A break

This Christmas break has been a nice time to just relax and kind of process everything I've learned and experienced over the past 12 weeks. Even though I've had these past few days, I don't think it's quite enough, I think I'll always be chewing on what DTS has been for me. But I am so struck right now with how temporary this season of my life is right now. Coming into DTS, I was so aware that it was only 6 months of my life, but as the days went on and I adjusted to the schedule, etc it just became real life. But now as we're about to head out to Thailand, I'm painfully aware that this is all going to be over on March 10th. I really don't want it to be! I can never re-live the lecture phase of my DTS ever again. I don't really regret anything... well, maybe just making the most of my time there, but anyone can say that for any circumstance. I'm just sad that it's going to eventually end! After March, I won't be living, sleeping, eating, praying, worshipping with these people anymore. I am so thankful that I've had the experiences I've had and that I've met the people I've met, and my heart aches a little that it's going to be over way too soon.

And then there's the looming question: "What are you doing when DTS is over?" I don't really know. Right now I'm planning on living in Pennsylvania with my family friends for a season, but after that? It's foggy. God has given me a dream to transform the nation of Indonesia, and I know that's in my future, but I just don't know what the next step is. There's always the opportunity to go on staff with YWAM. I could staff DTSes. I could pioneer a new ministry. I could propose Indonesia to be one of the omega zones the Salem base focuses on. I could do a School of Frontier Missions with YWAM. I could walk away from YWAM altogether. I could get a job. I could work in a different ministry. The possibilities are almost endless! It's pretty awesome to think that I have that many opportunities to choose from, actually. I'm really confident that God will give me direction on what to do. But my mind still wanders...

It's just been nice to breathe and reflect. Reading over my blog, I'm a little vague I think on the details of what DTS has been. I've written a lot of: "I learned so much!" And it's true, I have, but it's almost like I didn't even know where to begin with everything that I've learned. I feel silly in some ways, because I didn't necessarily learn radically new things in class, but for some reason I've finally soaked it in. I've heard my entire life that God loves me, but it took 22 years until I was sitting in a lecture called "Identity and Destiny" with Troy Sherman that I actually understood it and believed it. Really, truly believing something like that changes your life. I think the biggest thing has just been really understanding that God created me, I have a purpose, there is a unique destiny that God has planned for my life, He has gifted me in a unique way, etc etc. And it's not just me, it's everyone! I memorized John 3:16 when I was 5, but I never really lived as if "God so loved the world". But He does. Everyone is valuable. God has taught me so much just through relationships and living with people; lessons on grace, forgiveness, love... it never ends.

I guess I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I'm just trying to process and understand. But, man, I really don't want DTS to end...